Dear Rajnikanth...

Anbulla talaiva, my God, my hero, and much else, I’ve been sweating it out in Kanchipuram, smearing black on those yellow mango symbols that say ‘Vote for PMK’. No hardships, Anna, except for a few blisters on my naked feet, but what of that? I smiled while they tattooed your name on my arm. Besides, I’m glad to be doing something political now. I’ve been pretty much bored all these years of doing social service in your name and doling out watery buttermilk in the summers to thirsty people.

People say you are muddled about politics and incoherent. Tcah! You speak more to us through the smoke that curls from your beedi. Speaking of smoking, forgive me for being precocious, but all these years of practice have made perfect my imitation of flicking the smokin’ beedi in the air and snapping it up with my teeth like yourself.

I saw your last flick, Baba, 36 times. Super film talaiva. But that silly PMK leader Dr Ramadoss criticises you saying, “Unlike other Tamil stars-turned politicos, Rajnikanth is setting a bad example for the youth” by leering at Manisha Koirala baby, smoking and drinking toddy in Baba. How cheeky! I watched on TV when you spoke intelligently that you have exhorted your fan clubs to campaign only against the PMK and the reason for your participation in this election is that Ramadoss criticised your smoking publicly.

Only a noble man is roused to take to politics when his smoking is criticised. My irascible God of Cauvery waters, never mind if these press types say Rajni has no agenda, that you shadowbox or that people are tired of your slippery ways before poll. Your, er, flop film has been ridiculed. It’s a good enough reason to stir ourselves to seek vengeance, instead of wondering whether the best way to end years of doing silly films is to enter politics.

A suggestion: When we float our party, can we have a smoking cigarette as symbol? And campaign line: where there is cigarette, there is fire. Wokay? My heart bleeds when people ridicule a good guy. They say that since 1995 you’ve made fun of Jayalalitha only to now have the fan clubs work for her alliance to win. We know you have made fun of her in many films and even campaigned against her in 1996. But our dalapathy, Satyanarayana, Rajni fan club president, made it clear that ‘Amma has never made fun of saar’. Nice lady, no?

We heard you right on TV: campaign against PMK, love Kalaignar, ignore Amma, and vote for Atalji and we fans can make our own decisions. A bit like ‘you love the heroine, but hate her mean dad, will smash her nasty brother’s jaws, but adore her mum’. Come elections, you can hole yourself up on mountaintops seeking spiritual salvation. But the rest of us will wait for the day when you float a third front in Tamil Nadu that has been doing the rumours for nearly a decade.

Waiting all my life for the day you turn chief minister, Your anbu thangai, Rajni Selvi