Cyrus Broacha’s relationship advice: Be patient and help him through his emotional coma

I am a 34-year-old woman and I’ve been married for the last six years now. However, my husband has never been that expressive in our relationship. I want to address this issue without changing anything between us. How do I approach this? - DT

DT, the Persian poet Firdausi, (not the famous one, this was Firdausi Jamani, who worked in marketing in the day, and wrote poetry at night), wrote a poem called the “Octopus Claw”. In this he explained, that men without expression, are just emotional infants, and need to be coaxed into expressing themselves. Firdausi suggested a couple of ways. (a) Pinch his belly fat. (b) Put calipers on his earlobes. (c) Make him listen to a whole Jonas Brothers album. Let me tell you that last one even Priyanka Chopra Jonas failed to do. Yes, I know what you are thinking, Firdausi said a couple of things and then wrote three points down. All I can say is don’t be petty. One thing you can try is conversing by text or email. He may be inclined to express himself better by text. Be patient and help him through his emotional coma.

I am a 25-year-old guy and I’ve been dating a colleague for the last six months. Things are smooth but we often have misunderstandings creeping in because of our work situations. How can I avoid this? - TL

TL, the answer lies in the philosophy of the ancient Greeks. Keep an excel sheet. Or at least a log book. A sort of minutes of the meeting. Yes, all these were invented by the Greeks, along with one-handed, leg wrestling and finger Panja. I suggest, you jot down each other’s work schedule, share it with her, and spend twenty minutes every Monday morning planning your various Rendezvous, (without Simi Garewal), and dates. Information is key. The Greek, by the way, also invented information. As for contingency plans, if anything changes, you can connect easily through other Greek inventions, such as, SMS, WhatsApp, E-mail, Instagram, and the latest Greek invention, face to face conversations. Face to face conversations is a brand new concept, so sink into it slowly. Inform each other and be wiser. Old Greek saying.

I am a 32-year-old lady and I’ve been dating a younger guy for the last seven months. However, I’m thinking of settling down now but he is not ready yet. Is it time to give things a break? - PR

Breaks, I think, are the worst idea, ever, worse even than middle aged men in Spandex, and yes, Brexit (which was conceived by middle aged men in Spandex, so I’m told). Think of school. We all loved the break, but nobody ever wanted to go back to the curriculum, except this girl called Madhura, who felt that breaks were unnecessary. PR, by the way is an unusual name for a 32 year old lady. But not an unusual profession. PR, forget the break. First try and sell him your point of view, just like a car salesman would. Just don’t go by results this quarter, as only three cars were sold pan-India. If he really doesn’t want to settle down, then perhaps he’s not really into you. And then it’s not called a break, it’s called a departure.

I am a 28-year-old guy and I’m getting married in the next three months. I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t really understand the whole concept of expectations. How do I know what she is expecting of me? - EK

EK, don’t use the word expectation. That’s to be asked only during poll results and pregnancies. The trick according to Joe’s hamburger stand, (I swear this is their slogan, though I can’t vouch for their taste), ‘Hit Your Target’. Try and set targets. It can be high ones, like, I’ll make her very happy, or low ones, like I’ll try and survive the first six months. I prefer the low ones. Oh, and please feel free to lower the low ones even further. The great part about ‘Your Target’, is that, you set the target. Lessen the pressure on both of you, and let the organic quality of marriage thrive. Nobody looks at the end result. In any case, after 57 years of marriage, you are not married, you are stuck!

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